


Tuesday Afternoons

by romanticalgirl



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-01-31
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:52:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanticalgirl/pseuds/romanticalgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Originally posted 8/24/99</p>
    </blockquote>





	Tuesday Afternoons

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 8/24/99

The fact that our high school years were laced with the words "fate" and "chosen" and "destiny" should have been the first clue that what happened was nothing short of inevitable, but it never occurred to either of us that it would happen.

It was a Tuesday. It was always a Tuesday. Xander and I were meeting for our weekly lunch, fulfilling a promise we'd made when things started to change in our lives and we were afraid of losing touch. Not the same way it had been in school, with Oz and Cordelia, but a full-fledged, "who are you, again?" kind of losing touch. 

So, in an effort to keep that from ever happening - to keep Sunnydale's longest running friendship alive - we'd promised to have lunch together every Tuesday, forgetting everything else in our lives for just a couple of hours. I could forget my practice, he could forget his work, and we'd just be best friends dishing the dirt for a little while. 

It never actually worked out that way, of course. Work and life would intrude and we'd end up talking about what had happened the previous week that had made our lives horrible. Not more horrible than the demons and dread that we faced when we were youngeralthough maybe they were worse. 

Xander would complain about everything but the fights that made up most of his marriage. You would think, after all the chasing he did after her in high school, that being married to Buffy would have been exactly what Xander wanted. But it hadn't worked out that way. They fought about everything, not the least of which was his intense desire to be the strong partner in the relationship. It never worked, simply because Buffy was stronger than all of us, except in one area. 

And Xander wasn't about the let her cry on his shoulder about Angel. He knew, going into the marriage, that Angel would always be Buffy's true love. I guess he never realized how hard it would be to live with that every day of his life. He never knew if she was with him because she loved him or simply because she couldn't have the man she wanted. 

He never said that though, preferring to pretend that if he didn't acknowledge the truth about his relationship, everything would continue on as normal. 

Gee, why does that sound familiar? 

Me? I would talk about work and how it consumed my life. Patients and their troubles, bogging me down so that I never had time to spend at home, never had time to have kids, never had time for Oz. Which got to the root of the problem, the problem that I never mention, just like Xander never mentioned the fights. 

My problem was that I spent all my time avoiding the home life I didn't really have. And Xander's was that he couldn't manage to avoid it. 

It all changed that Tuesday. He beat me to the restaurant, for the first time ever, and from the looks of him when I got there, he'd been sitting at our table for a while. The bottle in front of him was half empty and he was filling his glass yet again. I sank down into my regular seat and rested my elbow on the table, my chin in hand. "I'm guessing we're having wine with lunch?" 

"Hey, Wills." 

"Xander?" I took the bottle from his hand and set it out of his reach. He looked at me for a long moment, shrugged and picked up his glass to drain it. "What's the matter?" 

"What do you think is the matter?" He asked bitterly. Then, with a harsh laugh, he shook his head. "Shall we have truth with our lunch today, Wills? It's not the bills this time or the fact that I forgot to take the trash out last night." 

I reached over and placed my hand gently on top of his. "You can tell me, you know. No charge." 

"She got a call last night." 

"Angel." It wasn't a question. 

"Angel." He refused to meet my eyes, unwilling to let me see the pain there. "We were in the middle ofwell, I thought things were going to start going well for us again, like they do every once in a while. I was wrong. She heard his voice on the answering machine and all thoughts of me went out the window." 

"I'm so sorry." 

"Don't be. I mean, I should have known what I was getting into, right?" He reached across for the bottle and filled my glass as well as his own. "I've always known that he was the one, even if they can't be together. But I never knew he'd have this hold" He stops and I know it's because he's afraid of hurting me. 

"It's okay Xander. Its not like I'm still the same love sick teenager I was in high school." Well, at least, I'm not a teenager anymore. Besides, the fact that they have a daughter is clue enough that their marriage hasn't suffered in the bedroom. At least not all the time. 

"I don't know, Wills. How long do you love someone who doesn't love you? How long to you keep holding on to whatever feeling you thought you felt?" 

"What do you mean, thought you felt?" 

His brown eyes were sad when they met mine and they took me back to when we were in school together, just me and Xander against the world. "I wanted her to love me so badly, Wills. But I'm beginning to wonder if I ever loved Buffy in the first place." He raised his glass and saluted me. "I mean, I love her, she's been there for me longer than almost anyonebut I don't know that I was ever in love with her. Well, except maybe during the spring fling." 

"You're not in love with her?" 

"I don't think so." He laughed again, softer this time. "But how do I know? And if I don't, how do I tell the woman who can't be with the love of her life that the guy she chose to be with instead wants out?" 

"You want a divorce?" 

He looked at me strangely. The look made sense, since I was only processing half of what he said. "I can't divorce her, Willow." 

I nodded, finally hearing everything he'd said. We owed Buffy so much. How do you walk away from a debt like that? I passed him the wine bottle and waited as he poured some for me. "It's not exactly fair though, is it?" 

"Being the chosen one isn't exactly fair, either. But I guess we all have to play the cards we're dealt." He stopped as the waiter walked up. Ordering our usual lunches, he set the menus aside and stared out the window for a long minute before he looked back at me. 

The subject was effectively closed, even though it was still hanging in the air between us. 

***

"It's my turn to pay, Xander." 

"But it was my problems this week." He tugged on the bill a little, a perfunctory gesture. We stuck by the rules of who paid when, unless someone's birthday fell on the wrong week. "I broke our rule, Wills. I brought real life into it. Let me make it up to you." 

I shook my head. "Nope. Rules are rules." 

"Right." He got up and moved over to my chair, helping me to stand like the gentleman I'd always wanted him to be. He stood beside me as I paid the bill and walked with me out to my car in silence. 

I got out my keys and turned to face him, unsure of what to say with all the unspoken words between us. I wanted to help him. I wanted to ease the pain I saw in his face, but I couldn't. What he needed was something I could no longer give. We both had commitments and obligations. We both had promises we'd sworn to keep. 

We stared at one another for a long moment, until the next thing we both knew, he had me pinned against my car and we were kissing, hotter and heavier than we'd ever managed to do in high school. 

My hands were wrapped around his neck, tangling in his short hair. His hands roamed up my waist to my chest then up to my neck where he held me as his tongue ravaged my mouth, dancing with my tongue as I tried to do the same to him. 

I worked my hands between our bodies and managed to shove him back. We were both panting, out of breath and full of need. "Xander." 

He nodded, turning away without a word. I climbed into my car and drove away, pulling into the parking lot of the nearest motel and making my way to the office. I paid cash, got the key and walked back out into the heat, not surprised at all to see him sitting in his car, his eyes watching me hungrily. I walked to the room and left the door slightly open. 

He wasn't far behind me. 

***

That was the first time. It's happened every Tuesday since. 

We still go to lunch, pretending everything is right with our lives, then we make our way back to this hotel and spend the rest of the day making love. Sometimes, after the first burning kiss, we talk about the real world, wondering what we're doing to the people we love. 

I'm cheating on my husband, lying to him. And I know that I should feel guilty about it. I know that I should feel like I did the day he and Cordelia discovered us in the factory, but I can't seem to do it. All I can see is how, even after all these years, it feels so right to be in Xander's arms. 

And he's lying to Buffy. He's living a lie, building all the emotions up like a dam that's going to burst and wash away the remains of his marriage and his family any day now. 

But I can't seem to care about that either since he told me that he loves me. 

So now we're both dreading five o'clock on Tuesday evening when we have to go our separate ways, go back to the livesand the lies we've been living. And if it weren't so sad, it would be amusing how Xander has finally acknowledged that he feels the same way about me that I've always felt about him. Too bad he realized it a couple yearsand a couple weeks too late. 

We're in loveand I'm pregnant. 

I found out today. Not the in love part. That's been obvious, even to Xander, for months now. We both knew it, even before the words ever left his mouth. He knew it before I said it as well, saying that he could finally see the truth in my eyes. 

But none of that matters anymore. It hasn't mattered since I answered the phone in my office and got the results of the only test I ever wished I could fail. 

Not that I don't want Xander's child. I want that more than anything. 

But I know that I'm not going to be allowed to have *his* child. I can have his child under the guise of my marriage to Oz, pretending that those few times that we've had sex over the past year have finally managed to give him the child he's wanted. I could tell him the truth and watch him walk away. 

But Xander can't leave Buffy. And I would never ask him to. So even if I have Xander's child, it can never be hisnever be ours. Because Buffy can't know. Which means Xander can't know. So today, instead of lunch and loving him, I'm going to have to walk away from the one thing I've wanted my entire life. 

***

His eyes are hidden behind his sunglasses when he walks in, and somehow I know that things have just gone from bad to worse. He stands next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. Bending down slightly, he kisses my cheek, his breath warm. "Can we skip lunch, Wills? I need to be alone with you." 

I nod, more than happy to spend more of the afternoon in his arms, especially since I know I'm going to have to break it all off. We leave the restaurant and make our way to the hotel, following our regular routine. As soon as the door is closed behind us, he takes off his sunglasses and I can finally see his eyes. 

"Come here?" He holds his arms open for me and I move toward him, needing to feel him. I let him wrap himself around me, just standing there, holding each other. His hand strokes my hair and my head is filled with his voice softly whispering my name. 

"Tell me?" 

"We'reI'm moving. We're moving. The three of us." 

"Moving?" Isn't it just like him to solve my problem for me? "Where? Why?" 

"There's trouble down south. Hehe needs her help." 

"Why can't she go? Why do you have to leave?" 

"Willow, you know I can't let her go alone. Besides, Andi needs to be with her mother." 

I pull out of his embrace, my heart tight. He doesn't say anything, knowing that, even in defense, he's crossed a line. We've never once talked about his daughter - their daughter. I've seen her often and, when I'm not with her father, I love her dearly. But when he's in this room with me, she's not supposed to exist anymore. "When?" 

"This weekend. We're going to send for our stuff. Buffy's leaving tomorrow. She's going to stay with her mother and Giles while she's down there. Giles is looking for a place for us." 

"I see." I should be flooded with relief, happy with the fact that he's giving me the easy way out. I won't have to lie to him; I won't have to pretend. Yet all I feel is the intense pain of losing him. Again. For good this time. "And you're okay with all of this?" 

"Saving the world. That's what she does." 

"It's not what you do." 

"No. I save her from herself." I can see in his eyes the worry that she's going to lose herself in Angel again, leaving him right back where he was when all of this started, only without me to help him through it. Funny how all along, I've been fooling myself, telling myself that he'd fallen out of love with her. But it's there in his eyes. "But who's going to save me when you're not around, Willow?" 

"You'll find someone." 

He flinches as if I've slapped him and his eyes grow even darker. "Is that what you think? That I'll just find someone else to take your place? Do you think you mean that little to me?" 

"No." I shake my head, letting loose the tears that had been brimming in my eyes. "I don't think that. I justyou're leaving me andand I'm going to miss you." I break down, unable to hold back the sobs. He moves to me and holds me again, his own body shaking with tears. I'm losing more than the father of my child. I'm losing my lover. 

I'm losing my best friend. 

We move to the bed together, still holding on to what precious time we have left. He lays me down gently, almost as if he knows my secret, and smiles down at me. "I'm glad that I finally figured it out, Wills. Even if I did do it one promise too late." 

"I'm glad you did too, Xander." I raise my hand to his cheek and touch the soft skin that I'll be losing soon. "I love you." 

"I love you." 

I manage a smile, even though it trembles. "Make love to me?" 

***

It's Tuesday afternoon. 

It's been five years since I last saw Xander, since the last time he held me in his arms. We didn't even try to keep in touch, deciding together that a little would be harder than nothing at all. I did run into Xander's mother the other day though and she filled me in on all the news of their life in LA. 

Including the birth of their son. 

I don't remember what I said after she finished speaking, although she smiled, so I imagine I made the proper sounds of excitement and happiness for my two best friends. I left the supermarket, leaving the food behind and walked out to my car. I sat there for a long time, staring out at nothing. 

I suppose it was stupid to think that he and Buffy wouldn'tI'm sure that they did when he and I were together. But logic did absolutely nothing to lessen the hurt. I drove to another grocery store, got what I needed and never went back there, for fear of running into more news that I didn't want to hear. 

My mother always wondered why my trips to the store took so long, but she never seemed the extra time with Christopher. 

My son. His son. 

Most definitely *not* Oz's son. The week Xander left I told Oz that I'd been having an affair with someone from my office. I told him it was over, but that I was pregnant. I told him that I didn't want the father to know and, even though I would understand if he walked away, I wanted to try again. 

And being Oz, he'd forgiven me and agreed. At least until the baby was born. At that point, the minute Christopher opened his eyes, it was obvious who his father was. Oz left me that night, sending the divorce papers through our attorney. The only personal thing he left me was a note, letting me know that, whatever my reasons were, he'd honor them and he wouldn't tell Xander anything. 

So it's still my little secret. My parents are too blind to see what is right in front of them, so I don't have to worry about them saying anything. The Hellmouth is closed, so I don't have to worry about anyone coming back to Sunnydale. 

All I have to worry about is me and why I keep coming to this restaurant on Tuesdays, hoping against hope that he'll be here waiting for me. 

"Can I take your order?" 

The words surprise me. The waiter must be new, since everyone else knows to bring me my bottle of wine and leave me alone. I look up to answer him, only to lose myself in his eyes. "XaXander?" 

He slips into the chair across from me and stares at me with a small smile on his face. He looks older. He looks at peace. He lookshappy, which makes me hurt all the more. "Hey Wills. Whose turn to pay?" 

"What are you doing here?" 

"I came to see you. Five years is long enough to be apart, don't you think?" 

"I"

His smile fades and he reaches over and takes my hands in his. "I need to talk to you, otherwise I wouldn't have come and dredged up all the pain." 

"It's not the pain that hurts, it's the love." 

"I was out the other night with Angel and Giles, sitting in this club, and we ran into Oz." 

I pull my hands away and hide them in my lap. "Oh." 

"Why didn't you let us know that you two split up, Willow? We're your friends"

"We're not friends, Xander." I shake my head, wondering why he's here, wondering if he know how much it's killing me to see him and know that he's probably here with the blessing of his wife and their children. "It's been five years, like you said. A lot has changed." 

"Yes. It has." 

"I hear that you had a baby." 

He nods slowly, his eyes holding mine. "Yeah." 

"Just another promise you have to keep?" I can't help the sadness or the bitterness in my voice, even though I have no right to them. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." 

"Buffy got pregnant after we'd been there about a month. The babywell, he's not a baby exactly anymore. He's four." He keeps looking at me, questions in his eyes. Questions I don't want to answer. "Anyway, as I was saying, we ran into Oz at the club and he spent the rest of the night hanging out with us." 

"Must have been nice." 

"We all got drunk," he smiles and my heart tightens. I've missed his smile so much. Christopher's is so similar, but nothing compared to his father's. "We were celebrating." 

"Another baby on the way?" 

"No. A wedding." 

"Who's getting married?" I run the guest list through my head and can't seem to make anything add up. "Giles and Buffy's mom?" 

"Angel and Buffy." 

"Buffy can't get married. She's marriedtoyou." 

"Not anymore." 

"So she can leave you for Angel, but you can't leave her for me?" I almost laugh when I say it, realizing how sad our little affair was. How fruitless the hours I spent loving him were. "So I suppose now that she doesn't need you anymore, you've decided that you need me?" 

"No." He shakes his head and I can tell that I've hurt his feelings. "I came to invite you to the wedding." 

"I don't think that I can"

"You and your son." 

Well, that answered that question. 

"Why didn't you tell me, Willow?" 

"What good would it have done, Xander? What possible good could there have been in telling you that I was pregnant? You weren't going to leave Buffy. If your son's birthday is any indication, things were going well for you two, despite living in LA." I push my chair back and stand. "You weren't going to stay with me just for me, I didn't want you staying with me just for him. You've spent enough of your life living with promises you never should have made. I didn't want him to be another one of those." 

***

It's like the first time almost; I can feel him following behind me. I wonder what I want to happen. In my dreams, when I allow myself to dream, Xander sees him and picks him up, swinging him high into the air. In my dreams we're a family without any of the pain or heartache. 

In my dreams, Xander never left me. In my dreams, what we had meant more than she did. Meant more than anyone else. But that's always been the story of my life where Xander is concerned. I always seem to come in second. 

I'm barely out of the car when the front door flies open and a ball of energy bursts forth and attacks me. I grab him and lift him up, realizing how big he's getting. Pretty soon I won't be able to do this anymore. Pulling him down, I hug him tightly then set him on the ground. Taking his hand, I walk around the car to where Xander is waiting. 

"Who's dat?" 

I fold his finger down. "Don't point." Squatting down until we're the same height, I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "This is an old friend of Mommy's. This is Xander." 

"He looks just like me." 

"He eats just like you, too." 

Xander smiles at my mother's comment, even though his eyes never leave his son. "Hi, Mrs. Rosenberg." 

"Are you staying for dinner?" 

"Yes." 

"No." I look at him, pleading with my eyes. 

"Sorry Wills. I'm staying." 

I want to argue, but I can't with Christopher there. He takes a tentative step forward and looks up at Xander suspiciously. "Are you my Daddy?" 

Xander flinches and looks at me for an answer. "Christopher"

"Yes. Yes I am." 

"Xander!" 

"Christopher, why don't you come in and help Grandma make dessert? Mommy and Daddy have some discussing to do." 

***

"So you're living with your parents now?"

"How dare you! You had no right"

"You had no right not to tell me. We were in love, Willow. I would have"

"What? What would you have done? Leave Buffy? You owed her, Xander, remember? Would you have let her move to LA by herself with your daughter simply so that you could be with me? I told you before that I wasn't about to let you resent him."

"I could never resent my son."

"Even if he kept you away from your wife and daughter?" I refuse to look at him. "Did you ever tell her about us, Xander?"

"No."

I sit down on the edge of the bed and stare at my hands. "Oz figured it out when he saw him. He left me that night. II lied to him, told him it was someone from work."

"Willow"

"I didn't want to ruin your marriage any more than I alreadywell, I guess we didn't ruin your marriage, did we? You can't be his father, Xander."

"I am his father, Willow." I feel the bed move as he sits down next to me and the heat of his body courses through me like fire. I've missed his touch, his love. But he's spent the past five years loving her again. 

"You have other obligations." 

"You assume a lot for someone who hasn't seen me in five years." I remember the last time we were alone like this on my bed, a million years ago before homecoming. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Every Tuesday, just before noon, I go out to my car and just sit there, realizing that I don't have anywhere to go." 

"Xander"

"The baby isn't mine, Willow. He's Angel's. The night she got to town, Giles found out that there was some sort of strange, mystical occurrence that would negate any spells or curses on Angel, or any other vampires out there with souls for one night. I told Buffy to take the opportunity to be with the man she loved. Apparently, it had other side effects. And, even though they can't every *be* together again, they want to spend their lives together." 

"But"

"You told me that day that you were going to try to make it all work with Oz, so I thought I didn't have the right to come back to town and try to make you choose. So I stayed in LA and helped out, watched the kids, and missed you like hell." He turns to me and I feel myself slipping under the spell of his eyes. "Do you still love me, Willow?" 

"I don't know how to stop," my voice shudders with emotion as what he says sinks in. "I've never known how to stop." 

"Don't learn? Because it's going to be very important to our future that you keep on loving me." 

"We're going to have a future?" 

His kiss is soft and sweet, questioning and loving, and full of promise. "If you'll help me find one." 

***

The three of us managed to make it down to Buffy and Angel's wedding and, in turn, everyone from LA managed to make it to ours. 

It's today, at a little past twelve. 

On a Tuesday afternoon. 


End file.
